Shining stars

I haven't posted anything on this blog since January. Not because I haven't wanted to, but simply because I haven't had time. Today, though, it feels right to start again.  In the words of a good friend on her blog a couple of days ago - buckle up, this is going to be a long ride!

We woke yesterday morning to worrying news and some tough decisions to make. Clouds had been gathering (figuratively) over the weekend and then Monday decided to enter with a big bang and throw us a few big punches in the face. This came on top of a week that had been very challenging, for me personally, on the emotional side - many of my most deeply-felt and core values had been called into question, and I was in the process of taking that on board, assimilating others' opinions and taking a good, long, hard look at myself and how I respond to others.

I am someone who tries to stay positive as much as possible, always find a silver lining in every cloud, pick myself up off the floor and move on with my head held high. I have not always been like that. In fact, for most of my life I have been rather different - it's only in the last 2 years, really, that I have grown up enough to realise that I'm better off seeing my glass as half-full rather than half-empty, and, more importantly, trying to help others see their own glasses in the same way by reaching out to them with love and support. I have made it a personal goal never to use the word 'hate' but to use the word 'hope' as much as possible. I try to avoid anger and bitterness about the bad things that might happen in my life; rather, I try to take them on the chin, turn them around into something beautiful and positive, and move on. I try to understand why people might be behaving the way they do, rather than letting it get my hackles up and reacting with conflict if their way doesn't happen to be mine.  I encourage the kids to follow the same path and to interact with others with love. I don't always get it right - far from it. Last week, I got it seriously wrong and my "positive" outlook turned into something negative and almost got ugly. Hence the long, hard look at myself. Then the bad news hit us.

So I started off yesterday feeling pretty desperate and rather demotivated. But this blog post is not about that. It's about how, throughout the day, several small things (and a few really big things) made me smile, picked me up, pulled me out of the mire that it would have been all too easy to wallow in. Let me list some of them out.....here goes.

 - Waiting outside with Joshua for the school bus at 7.30 yesterday morning, sitting on the step outside the condo in the cool early morning sun, we saw a squirrel. Joshua was delighted, enthralled, excited. He watched the squirrel running about on the tree and jumping between the branches. He gave me a cheery running commentary on what the squirrel was doing and why he thought it might be doing it. His pure, innocent pleasure in something so simple and natural was delightful.

 - I arrived at East Coast Park after having dropped Bob off at work, parked the car and sat for a few minutes, gathering my thoughts, listening to the music on my playlist and trying to find the motivation to get out and get on my bike for a ride. I looked down and saw, stuck to my leg, a small sparkly star from the kids' "sick day" arts & crafts projects earlier in the week. It must have been stuck to the sofa (there is SO much glitter on our sofa now, since they were off sick at the beginning of the week!) and it stuck to my leg when I sat down. That made me smile, thinking of the fun they'd had (despite feeling thoroughly grotty with stinking colds) and the mess they'd made. It also made me think that no matter how bad things get, there's always room for a bit of glitter to brighten things up :)

 - I rode 20km in bright, warm sunshine, fast, gave my legs a really good workout and really enjoyed being on the bike. On the way back to the car I passed a family who'd hired a bright pink pedal rickshaw - they all waved happily at me and said Good Morning! as I rode past. Bright smiles and cheery voices - it warmed my heart.

 - I picked Joshua up from school for his swimming lesson.....went into his classroom and saw his little face brighten up visibly when he saw me. "Mummy!!!" he said with a huge smile :) Then he skipped - not walked, he SKIPPED all the way back to the car, chattering about what he'd done that day. So good to see him so happy.

 - Getting Joshua changed after his swimming lesson, I was explaining to him why Daddy has had to go to England, to see Uncle Andy, whose heart isn't working properly. He looked at me seriously and said "But Mummy, how can someone's heart not be working properly? It's made for loving, isn't it?" That almost brought me to tears there and then...but in a nice way. I felt so much love in his own huge heart  - how amazing is that, from a 6 year old boy.

 - Throughout the day I had a number of messages of support from good friends and family - from friends in Singapore that I have known for years and see regularly, and friends in other countries, some of whom I have never met face-to-face. And yet they were there for us and sending love and hugs and prayers.

 - I dropped Bob at Changi last night and drove home, getting back about 11pm. As I got out of the car I was struck by the overwhelming, gorgeous smell of the frangipani flowers growing on the trees around the pool deck. So beautiful. I felt so lucky to live here!

 - Isabel went and got into my bed during the evening and got tangled up in the sheet. At one point I went to test her BG and all I could see was a little bottom in striped PJs sticking out of a pile of tangled up covers. She was curled up like a little rabbit right in the middle of the bed. How can a tiny 4 year old and a toy Horsey take up a whole double bed?! So cute! I should have got the camera out....missed opportunity there!

 - I finished the day still struggling with a very challenging question that I couldn't get my head around. I was feeling far more positive but this particular concept was nagging me and I couldn't get comfortable (physically or emotionally) when I went to bed. So I emailed a good friend to ask for advice and guidance. Putting my thoughts down in words helped a little, and knowing that I had asked for help, helped even more. I woke this morning to a wonderful message that brought me a lot of comfort and I feel more at peace on this issue now.

 - This morning I swam 1200m, using the time to gather my thoughts. Clouds were gathering as I went down to the pool but by the time I finished, the sun had come out and was shining brightly. That reflected my mood, a bit - I went down for my swim feeling better than yesterday, but still unsure of a few things. I finished off my workout feeling happy, comforted and far more positive. I lingered in the pool for a few minutes in the sun, looking at the frangipani flowers that had smelled so wonderful last night and watching another squirrel hopping about, which reminded me of that few minutes with Joshua yesterday morning. Lovely.

So those are a few of the things that made me smile yesterday. There were others, but if I listed ALL of them you would be nodding off by now. Those were the main things.

And now, after all that, I will get to the point. My point in writing this post is nothing to do with the specific situation that we as a family find ourselves in right now, nor really about the challenges of last week and things that were said in blogs, on FB or in other forums. I wanted to write about how I was feeling down, for a number of reasons, and yet I finished the day on an upward path and have started off today feeling very positive and comforted. It was those things in that list there, plus all the other little things, that brought me back out of the dark place I was in briefly yesterday morning. And I guess my point is that when things get tough, really tough, you notice more the tiny shining stars lighting up the darkness. On a good day you tend to miss them - when the sun is out, the tiny shining stars aren't so noticeable. But they are always there....on bad days, seek them out and let them light you up.

One final thing. When I started this blog I called it "Singapore Life". A bit banal, but I couldn't think of a snappy, descriptive name and the aim of the blog was to write about our life as a family in Singapore...things we do, how we feel, stuff that goes on in Singapore, etc. I decided this morning to change the name to "A spoonful of sugar...." This is not a reference to diabetes - the blog is not about diabetes or our life with it, specifically (although it will get mentioned, of course!) This is a reference to that immortal song in the movie "Mary Poppins" - "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...." After last week's discussions I have given things a lot of thought, and I still firmly believe that yes, a spoonful of sugar DOES help the medicine go down - figuratively! What I am trying to say is that if we look for the positive, the bad things won't seem so bad. Life throws out challenges, but if we meet them confidently and positively, life can and will be successful and full of hope. HOPE! What an amazing word. Almost as good as LOVE!

I hope to be able to blog a bit more regularly from now on and my aim will be to make my posts into that "spoonful of sugar" - not only for me, but for others who may be reading, either by offering comfort, turning a bad thing into something beautiful, or just making people laugh. It's my way of reaching out. I won't always get it right, I'm sure. Feel free to comment if I get it wrong. But remember that I write with the best intentions :) Finally, if you've made it to the end of this epic post, THANK YOU for bearing with me! The next blogs won't be so long, I promise :)